


Weirflix And Chill

by GilShalos1



Category: A Song of Ice and Fire & Related Fandoms, Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, F/M, Fluff and Crack, oblivious idiots
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-07
Updated: 2019-10-07
Packaged: 2020-11-26 10:37:25
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,545
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20928839
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GilShalos1/pseuds/GilShalos1
Summary: Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?Brienne: It’s my friend, he’s had some sort of seizure.Operator: Can you describe it?Brienne: Um, we were just watching a movie – the one about the Blue Knight, you know, First Knight’s First Night – and he started breathing really hard and saying ‘Brienne, oh, Brienne’ over and over and then he had some sort of seizure or spasm and just collapsed. Oh, and I think he wet his pants a bit, too, there’s a damp spot.





	Weirflix And Chill

**Author's Note:**

> This came out of a chat with Catlady_Jos and I couldn't help writing it. I regret nothing. And everything.

Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?

Brienne: It’s my friend, he’s had some sort of seizure.

Operator: Can you describe it?

Brienne: Um, we were just watching a movie – the one about the Blue Knight, you know, _First Knight’s First Night_ – and he started breathing really hard and saying ‘Brienne, oh, Brienne’ over and over and then he had some sort of seizure or spasm and just collapsed. Oh, and I think he wet his pants a bit, too, there’s a damp spot.

Operator: Is your name Brienne, by any chance?

Brienne: Yes, why?

Operator: And is he actually unconscious?

Brienne: No, but he seems very drowsy.

Operator: Uh, ma’am I think your friend is going to be fine, but I’ll just transfer your call to someone who might be more able to be helpful than me.

* * *

Olenna: Sex and Relationships Counselling line, Olenna speaking, how can I help you?

Brienne: Uh, I think I’ve been transferred to the wrong place. I was talking to 911 about my friend’s seizure?

Olenna: Just let me look at the call logs … oh, yes, dear, they put you through to me because I have quite a bit of experience with those sort of seizures.

Brienne: Really?

Olenna: _Quite_ a bit. Now don’t worry, he’ll be quite alright. Just let him rest for a bit and he’ll soon be _completely_ recovered, if you take my meaning.

Brienne: Oh, thank goodness. I’ve been so worried.

Olenna: Why don’t you just keep watching your movie until he feels … more active again?

Brienne: Alright, thank you again.

* * *

Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?

Jaime: It’s my friend, she had some sort of fit.

Operator: Can you describe this fit?

Jaime: She got very flushed and started breathing really hard and then she started moaning like she was in pain and writhing around and then she shook all over. And now she seems alright but very sleepy.

Operator: Were you watching a movie by any chance?

Jaime: Yes, how did you know?

Operator: I just had a feeling. I’m sure she’ll be fine. Hold on while I transfer your call to someone who can help you.

* * *

Olenna: Sex and Relationships Counselling line, Olenna speaking, how can I help you?

Jaime: I’m sorry?

Olenna: Ah, your call log says you called about your girlfriend’s fit?

Jaime: My friend, not my girlfriend.

Olenna: Whatever you say. By any chance was the movie you were watching _First Knight’s First Night_?

Jaime: Yes, it was. Why? Does it often cause fits?

Olenna: It has that reputation. I really should check it out. Anyway, your friend will be fine. Just keep her warm – sharing body heat is a good way to do that, so maybe put your arms around her – and say kind things to her until she seems more alert.

Jaime: To reassure her?

Olenna: Exactly. That’s exactly it. And don’t forget to finish the movie.

* * *

Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?

Jaime: I need you to put me through to that Oleanna woman. And she gives terrible advice!

Operator: Olenna? Transferring you now. Next time call her directly, okay? This number is for emergencies.

* * *

Olenna: Sex and Relationships Counselling line, Olenna speaking, how can I help you?

Jaime: This is all your fault! You give dreadful advice! You should be fired!

Olenna: Oh dear, what happened?

Jaime: We had sex!

Olenna: Was it bad sex?

Jaime: No it was fucking mind-blowing, but that’s not the point! The point is, you told me to keep Brienne warm with body heat so I took off her clothes and my clothes and held her on the couch under a blanket, and then it got to the end – when Goldenhand and the Blue Knight get married, and then they have sex under the weirwood tree staring into each other’s eyes, really slowly – and I was, you know, a little turned on by it, and then Brienne started rubbing my chest and I got a _lot_ turned on by the movie and she was in my lap and we started rubbing against each other and then one thing, you know, led to another.

Olenna: One thing led into another, it sounds like.

Jaime: So what do I do? This is your fault, you have to tell me what to do!

Olenna: Did you use a condom?

Jaime: Yes.

Olenna: Then nothing.

Jaime: But we had sex!

Olenna: Mind-blowing sex, you said. So I’m really not understanding the problem here.

Jaime: Are you sure you’re an expert on sex and relationships?

Olenna: Dear, I’m _the_ expert. My advice, if you care to take it, is … make movie night a regular occurrence.

* * *

Olenna: Sex and Relationships Counselling line, Olenna speaking, how can I help you?

Jaime: Your advice really isn’t very good.

Olenna: Oh dear, what seems to be the problem?

Jaime: You said making movie night a regular thing would fix the problem with the sex, but it’s made it a thousand times worse! It’s been five weeks, we’ve watched eighteen films and we’ve ended up having sex every single time! And now we’re having sex when we’re _not_ watching movies – when we wake up in the morning on the weekends, for example, and she’s so sweet and sleepy. Just yesterday she came back all flushed and sweaty from her jog and I couldn’t keep my hands off her! It’s awful!

Olenna: Awful sex?

Jaime: No, the sex is amazing. Brienne has muscles _everywhere_.

Olenna: Kegels are an extremely underrated component of fitness.

Jaime: Look, I really need to fix this so we can stop having sex.

Olenna: Wait, when you said _when we wake up in the morning_ … you two sleep in the same bed?

Jaime: Yes, I got evicted and Brienne just has a one bedroom flat. It’s a big bed.

Olenna: So you live together … and you sleep in the same bed … and you’re at it like rabbits apparently … and you want it to stop?

Jaime: Yes, exactly! She’s my best friend, I can’t keep having sex with her! She’s wonderful, she’s the most honest, honourable person in the world, and being friends with her is the best thing that’s ever happened in my life, and I just want to be with her, and hold her, and have her stroke my hair – and hear about her day at work, and cook her dinner, and buy her things she likes – she hates roses, but she really likes starfish ornaments for some reason, which is the most adorable thing ever, her eyes get so blue it’s impossible when I give her one – so you see, I have to stop having sex with her so we can be together, forever!

Olenna: I honestly don’t think I’m going to be able to help you with that.

* * *

Olenna: Sex and Relationships Counselling line, Olenna speaking, how can I help you?

Brienne: He asked m-m-me to m-m-_marry _him!

Olenna: Are those happy tears?

Brienne: No!

Olenna: Oh, dear. You don’t want to marry him?

Brienne: Of c-c-course I want to m-m-marry him! He’s wonderful! He’s the b-b-best person I ever knew!

Olenna: So you’re crying because …?

Brienne: He s-s-said we sh-sh-should get m-m-married because w-w-we’re such good _friends! _And because he c-c-couldn’t stop having s-s-_sex_ with me no matter how h-h-hard he tried!

Olenna: Oh dear, he really is an idiot, isn’t he.

Brienne: I thought he l-l-liked the sex! And I l-l-_love_ him!

Olenna: I did get that impression, yes. I think you should have him call me, dear.

* * *

Olenna: Sex and Relationships Counselling line, Olenna speaking, how can I help you?

Jaime: Brienne stopped c-c-crying long enough to t-t-tell me I should call you.

Olenna: You’re crying too? Wonderful.

Jaime: I h-h-_hate_ it when she c-c-cries!

Olenna: How am I not surprised? Now listen, you big lummox. Go and find Brienne and tell her, exactly, how you feel about her. Tell her about the starfish ornaments, and cooking her dinner, and her eyes, and everything else, and if you want to emphasise how much you want to tear her clothes off all the time that probably wouldn’t go amiss. Add in that together forever thing you told me, too. In fact, maybe lead with that.

Jaime: Are you s-s-sure? Your advice hasn’t been very g-g-good, so far.

Olenna: Young man, I have successfully married off four children and eight grandchildren, I am _very_ sure. Off you go.

* * *

Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?

Tyrion: I think my sister is having a stroke. Or an aneurism. Or heart failure. Or a nervous breakdown. Or all four.

Operator: Can you describe what’s happening?

Tyrion: Well, it was right after we all received the invitation to my brother’s wedding. She went pale and then bright red and then she started hyperventilating, and throwing things, and screaming. _He’s mine, he’ll always be mine_, over and over.

Operator: An ambulance is on the way, sir, to assess whether she needs medical or psychiatric care. Please stay on the line.

Tyrion: Psychiatric care? Like, she could be committed?

Operator: It’s a possibility, sir, but there’s no need to be overly alarmed.

Tyrion: Oh, I’m not. Could you, uh … tell me more about the kind of things that might make the paramedics decide on that, though? Just for … interest’s sake. 


End file.
